Ron's Words Of Wisdom
by Red Witch
Summary: Ron has a heart to heart with Archer. Too bad Archer's thinking with some other organs.


**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is buried in a backyard somewhere. This fic takes place very shortly after the story Mallory and Ron Meet the Neighbors.**

 **Ron's Words of Wisdom**

"I can't believe my life," Ron moaned as he sat down at his kitchen table. "I can't **believe** my life!"

"Sometimes I can't believe it either," Archer admitted as he sat down. He had brought some scotch and two glasses. "On the up side I got fifty bucks, a new gold watch and some new shoes. Can you believe a fat ass like Delaney and I have the same size feet? Who knew? But he did have good taste in shoes."

"Fifty dollars?" Ron blinked.

"From Delaney's wallet," Archer said as he poured the drinks. "It was actually ninety. Krieger split it with me. Gave me the larger share. I think he thought he was getting the better deal with all the body parts he harvested."

"Oh God!" Ron moaned as he took a drink. "All I wanted was to have a nice dinner and meet some new people! That's all! And what happens? Disaster! That's what happens!"

"I guess killing two assassins from the Irish Mob, nearly getting killed by poison and a shootout and burying some bodies does count as a disaster," Archer admitted as he took a drink.

"I didn't kill them!" Ron protested. "I didn't kill anybody!"

"True but you're still an accessory after the fact," Archer said. "Damn it. I think hanging around Cyril so much has given me some kind of lawyer brain. Is that a **thing**?"

"This is **not** what I had in mind when I retired," Ron grumbled as he took a drink.

"I do know more about the law than I used to," Archer thought. "Then again I have been arrested more."

"Look Sterling while we're here I think you and I need to have a talk," Ron said.

"About what?" Archer asked.

"About this obsession you have with Veronica Deane," Ron said.

"Oh God!" Archer groaned. "Not you **too!** Does everybody gotta lecture me on this?"

"Pretty much," Ron shrugged. "Look I get why you're so attracted to Veronica Deane. I mean I've seen Shanghai Moon. That dress scene…Va, va, va voom!"

"I know right?" Archer said.

"But…" Ron said. "You have Lana now. Who let's face it, is younger. Hotter. And you practically have her in the bag as it is. So why jeopardize that for some long shot?"

"It's not **that big** a long shot," Archer folded his arms.

"Sterling listen to me," Ron said. "I know **exactly** how you feel. In fact, I was in this very **same situation** you're in."

"And you're going to tell me this story whether I want to hear it or not aren't you?" Archer groaned.

"Look I used to know this woman named Mary Marconi," Ron said. "She and I had been pals for years. We'd been through a lot together. And I was more than a little sweet on her. We even talked of getting married. But then one day, I met this beautiful woman. She had everything. Looks, class and a figure that just wouldn't quit. I was stunned. I couldn't stop thinking about her from the first time I laid eyes on her. I just had to see her every day. I was obsessed. I had to have her."

"And I'm guessing Mary wasn't too happy about it," Archer said.

"Got it in one," Ron said. "Basically, Mary gave me an ultimatum. Either I stop seeing this woman, or she would take off on the next plane to her family back in Cincinnati and never see me again."

"Let me guess," Archer sighed. "You realized that you were ruining a good thing by being obsessed with this woman and never saw her again."

"Nope," Ron shook his head. "I ended up marrying your mother."

"Yikes," Archer winced.

"Mary took off to Cincinnati and I never saw her again," Ron sighed. "There are days I wonder what my life would have been like if I had realized what I had and not taken Mary for granted."

"Do, do, do, do, de doo!" Krieger walked by carrying some jars and having a big grin on his face. "Wow I really made out like a bandit today! And not just figuratively!"

He put down the jars which were filled with organs. "This will go well on the black market," Krieger grinned. "Or my experiments."

"Days like today," Ron groaned.

"And there was some other good stuff I got!" Krieger grinned. "A few poisons and other chemicals from that assassin lady I could use in the future."

"You may have a point," Archer told Ron.

"Look Sterling," Ron sighed. "My point is, you are not the first guy to make the mistake of throwing away what he has for what he thinks will be something better. Don't get me wrong, I love your mother but there are days that I regret marrying her."

"THE FEELING IS **MUTUAL** MISTER!" Mallory shouted from the other room.

"I NEVER GOT INTO A GUNFIGHT WITH THE YAKUZA OR IRISH ASSASSINS UNTIL I MARRIED **YOU** SWEETHEART!" Ron shouted back.

"Okay Ron," Archer admitted. "This is actually getting through to me."

"OH STOP WHINING!" Mallory snapped. "You know this couch we got from Delaney goes better in our living room than the old one. More comfortable too."

"Honestly, I wish someone had told me this before I married your mother," Ron groaned.

"But just so we're clear," Archer said. "I could totally nail Veronica Deane if I wanted her. Easily."

"Oh for God's sake…" Ron groaned. "It's not getting through to him, is it?"

"No, it is not," Krieger sighed.

Just then two more Kriegers walked in. "Got the van loaded!" One said.

"Yup, yup, yup!" The second one said.

It was a full minute before Ron could speak. "Sterling…Please tell me I'm having a stroke."

"I wish," Mallory sighed as she walked in.

"What fresh hell is **this?** " Ron barked. "Why do I see **three** of him?"

"When one is more than enough," Mallory finished. "Yes, I know **exactly** how you feel."

"Krieger's robots," Archer sighed. "Don't ask…"

"I won't," Ron winced. "I think I'm just going to pretend this is some kind of drunken hallucination that never happened."

"That's usually the safest way to go with these things," The original Krieger nodded.

"Why did you bring these abominations?" Mallory snapped.

"Well A, they're android cyborgs. Not abominations," Krieger corrected.

"Potato, Po-abomination-o," Mallory quipped.

"B, I felt like drinking so they could drive for me," Krieger said. "And C they could move stuff. I didn't hear you complaining when they brought in that new couch."

"Or some of that other furniture," One of the robot Kriegers spoke up.

"I have to admit Delaney and that assassin whore he hired had a lot nicer things than I thought," Mallory shrugged.

"Why am I still in this marriage?" Ron groaned.

"Beats me," Archer chuckled. Mallory and Ron just glared at him.


End file.
